


A Good Person

by julienwrites



Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, F/M, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Memories, Post 9x08, Self Confidence Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 19:22:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29987661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/julienwrites/pseuds/julienwrites
Summary: Physically and emotionally drained, the Captain stands and makes his way back to his truck. His clothes and hair are wet, and his body is trembling. Turning the heat on full blast, Matt looks at himself in the rear view mirror, wincing. He looks terrible. His eyes are red and puffy, cheeks splotchy from all the tears.
Relationships: Matthew Casey/Hallie Thomas, Stella Kidd/Kelly Severide, Sylvie Brett/Matthew Casey
Comments: 8
Kudos: 85





	A Good Person

**Author's Note:**

> This is a post 9.08 reaction fic. I liked the episode, but there was something Sylvie said that made me start thinking, and then it kind of spiraled from there. I'm home sick with strep, so I thought I'd take a break from what I've been working on for the next installment of MLD, and write this tiny little thing. 
> 
> There is angst ahead, I apologize. It does end on a light note though !! There is one small reference to homophobia and another referencing implied verbal child abuse. Other than that, it's mostly just Matt's self doubt and how he views everything that's been happening the past month or so. The boy gets too into his own head. 
> 
> Enjoy and leave me feedback or prompts! :) As always, my tumblr is roberttchase 
> 
> Julien

_ “So you can go back to being the Matt Casey everyone looks up to around here, and not this.”  _

The words replay in his head, over and over, like a broken record. He feels like he’s breaking apart, like he can’t do anything right anymore. He’s felt like this for weeks, but what Sylvie had said really drives it all home. Matt stares into space as he sits in his truck, frustrated, tired tears prickling behind his eyes. 

_ ‘Get a grip Matthew. Boys don’t cry, and they sure as hell don’t talk about their feelings. That’s for girls and fairy boys.’  _

His fathers words pop into his head and the Captain bangs a hand against the steering wheel. 

_ ‘You’re being dramatic Matthew, it’s not the end of the world because the coach realized you were expendable, a mediocre player. If you had practiced more like I’d suggested, you might have been good enough, but you didn’t, and you failed.’  _

Opening the door, Matt gets out of his truck, shoving his hands in his pockets. The area is quiet and no one else can be seen. Headstones are lined up in rows, a few larger than others, some diagonal and some moved away from everything else. Walking, the firefighter sniffles from unshed tears and the cold winter air, trying to get a hold of himself. He should have accepted Graingers peace offering. Should have apologized and been the bigger man. 

He gets to a marbleized headstone, then, looking around again, sits down. Matt stays quiet for a while, letting the dreary day and his mood wallow together. Finally, he takes a breath. 

“I miss you.” His nostrils flare and tears swim in his eyes. Taking a shaky breath, he continues. “I feel like I’m drowning, like everything is trying to pull me under. Everything I do is wrong, though that’s not really a surprise is it? It’s been that way since I was a kid.” A tear teeters on the edge of falling. “I don’t know what to do to fix it. I feel like...like there’s a virus in me. And it takes hold of everything that’s good in my life and destroys it.” 

Not sure if he’s trembling from what he’s feeling or the frigid Chicago air, he tries to let himself become numb to it all.

“Everyone I care about either leaves or dies. Otis, Shay, Gabby, Christie, Mom, Sylvie,  _ you _ …Severide is the only person who seems to still be on my team. Even Kidd...I can tell she’s trying to be my friend, but it’s obvious she’ll always care more about Sylvie. She  _ should _ though, Sylvie’s a good person. I want to be a good person.” Tears start to fall rapidly, and his breath quickens. 

“Maybe I’m doomed to fail. I’ve tried telling myself I’m not for so long, but what if I really am? I’m not a good leader, not anymore. Sylvie said people don’t look up to me anymore. I know I’ve been selfish, worrying about me and her, but I thought I had a handle on it. Guess I was wrong.” 

“I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m not happy, I’m not...I don’t feel like myself anymore. I feel like no matter what I say people don’t listen. Sylvie still thinks I’m in love with Gabby. I’ve tried telling her she’s the only one I care about whether Gabby is here or not, but she won’t believe me. I don’t think she ever will. I don’t want to bother Severide with this stuff too much either. He’s got his own issues he’s dealing with. I feel more alone than I have in a long time.” 

Matt looks at the ground, where he’s sure the coffin is buried. He shivers when his hand touches the grass- it’s wet. It’s starting to snow, not hard, but enough that Matt watches it start to accumulate. Shifting again, he lays himself on his back, trying to be parallel to where he thinks the other would be. The firefighter shuts his eyes, head aching a bit from crying. Tears are still stuck to his cheeks. 

“Remember when we went to Charleston after you graduated? You were so excited to get us on the beach. We spent all day there, and you got so tan, I remember I could see where your sunglasses had been. I got sunburnt to shit and you were worried I was dehydrated so you went and got every flavor of Gatorade they had at the store. We went out to eat the next night and the waiter bumped into my back? I swore I was going to cuss in front of the whole fancy restaurant.” He licks his lips and a small smile forms. “You wore that purple dress and I wore that purple tie you hated. It was one of the most fun trips I’ve ever had.” 

Minutes tick by, and he gets lost in thoughts and memories. 

“What about when you and I went to that music festival downtown? You got to meet that one jazz singer you loved, and you talked everyone’s ear off about it for weeks? Or that time you were determined to watch that scary movie and it scared you so much we had to sleep with the lights on for two nights?” Matt laughs at that memory. He remembers being annoyed at the time, he’d had shift the next morning and could barely function. Now, looking back, he finds it ridiculously funny. 

“When you read me Harry Potter every night even though you knew I hated it because I thought all the characters were bland except Tonks? I never told you, but she reminded me of you. She was a little scatterbrained but didn’t take crap from other people. She did her own thing. I remember you talking about how much I was like Lupin, how my ‘werewolf’ so to speak was everything that happened with mom and dad.” More tears fall, and he finds that his body is no longer cold, but numb. “Funny how they ended up getting married, and dying together.”

“I miss you lovebug,” his words are almost wistful, but there’s a melancholy, depressive tone underneath. “I love you so much. Thanks for listening to me be dramatic. I’m sorry it’s been a while since I visited. Sometimes I get so worked up about remembering it all….I’ll come back soon, though. I promise. I love you Hallie.” Matt brushes the small amount of snow that’s clung to the plaque on her gravestone, allowing ‘Hallie Thomas, 1982-2012’ to be read. 

Physically and emotionally drained, the Captain stands and makes his way back to his truck. His clothes and hair are wet, and his body is trembling. Turning the heat on full blast, Matt looks at himself in the rear view mirror, wincing. He looks terrible. His eyes are red and puffy, cheeks splotchy from all the tears. Blowing a breath out, he heads out of the cemetery and back to the loft. 

As he puts the key in to unlock the door, he can hear Severide and Kidd talking, and can smell something cooking. Quietly, the firefighter walks in, not wanting to interrupt anything. When he’s further along, the couple looks up. 

“Are you okay?” 

“Damn dude, you look like shit!” 

Matt freezes, feeling self conscious. He swipes at his face, making sure there’s not still tears clinging to his cheeks. “I’m okay.” His voice is rough from talking so much. “Really,” he tacks on with small half smile. 

Stella raises an eyebrow. “You look frozen, what the hell were you doing?” 

“I uhm,” Matt licks his lips, shivering. He’s never really talked about Hallie to anyone. Sure the firehouse knows what happened, and he assumes the woman knows because of Severide, but he’s never out right told her. “I went to see Hallie.” 

Sympathy flashes across Severide’s face before it morphs into concern and worry. “While it was snowing?” 

“In my defense it wasn’t snowing when I got there.” Matt sniffles and rubs his hands over the arms of his jacket. 

“Well, you should go shower so you don’t die of hypothermia, then come and have pasta and watch a movie with us. Technically it’s Kelly's turn to pick, but I just bought The Heat and I’m making him watch it. It’s really funny.” 

The knee jerk reaction is to decline the offer. Matt doesn’t want to intrude on Kidd and Sev’s date night. But then a voice that sounds suspiciously like Hallies rings out in his head. “ _ Open yourself up Matt, they want to help their friend. Let them _ .” 

“Yeah, okay. I’ll go shower really quick. You can start it without me if y-“ 

“Just go take the damn shower Casey. No way you’re missing the opening scenes,” Kidd huffs fondly, rolling her eyes. Maybe it’s out of pity, or maybe they’re just being friends, but Matt nods and heads to his room to grab some clothes to take to the bathroom, feeling a bit lighter than he has in weeks. 


End file.
